My Greatest Fear

     The night is calm except for the sound of cicadas outside and the whispers of the cold breeze. It's 8:11 in the evening. I am here facing my screen and randomly feeling sad just thinking of what the future may have in store for me. Will I be someone others are expecting me to be? Or will I experience a lot of failure and setbacks ahead? Honestly, I am afraid to fail. Failure is the last fear I knew I'll be able to conquer. In the life I have been living, I barely bump into failure along the way. Sure thing, I have committed mistakes. But those weren't grave enough to leave me in great pain. I was able to surpass those without even breaking myself into pieces. I thought this is the best! Having no failure at all means I am able to succeed in almost everything I did. However, the truth, I feel so bad about myself. I've been so cowardly to even try new things this year. I suit myself in something that I'm best at. I was afraid to fail which is why I never try new things. But tonight, adulting hits me differently.

    Ever since. I'm afraid to catch chicken pox in any way possible. Not only because I don't want to miss my class but in a more profound sense, I am afraid that the wounds it might cause me will never fade away. As they say, those who got it at a later age will no longer be able to get rid of the scars it might bring. Analogously, I am frightened that experiencing failure at this age might leave a much more painful and deeper wound in my heart to the point that I may no longer get over it and have to live with its regrets. I don't want to look back during my late adulthood and realize that I have nothing on my palm to be proud of. Just as how much I hated to age, I also dislike saying "hello" to disappointments. Maybe this is natural for this age to feel this way.

    I'm still young but I feel that I need to catch up and make up for the lost time. That was two years of my life put to waste. I should have gone to college and am now working and earning to help my family. One thing, I hated about life- it is indeed, so unfair. I have everything else in my basket but not the most needed one-money.  I could have been enjoying life just like a normal teenager does. But I'm here stuck in my own agony with no one to tell how much pressured I am. I feel like everything was put on my shoulder. I have no choice but to follow. I feel like I am being punished for the things that my older siblings have done before. I needed to be so strong because I have to. I don't have the slightest chance to fail because I cannot afford to fail. They got all the chance to do just what they want while I got nothing. This is why most of the time, I wanted to blame them for all the things that I was deprived to do right now. I wanted to scream about how I found them so bad for leaving the family and making their own. How can they just leave when they wanted to? I just hope I got more courage to tell them how I feel. But I always choose to forgive. I always choose to remember those happy memories I have with them. I always have to think of all those times they have extended their hands to my parents. I tried so hard to just forgive and then forget.

    It wasn't easy to do so. Each time I'm seeing them prioritizing their own family instead of us, their first family, I feel so jealous. I shouldn't be the one worrying about our problems. I was fifth in the row. How I wish I could be on that first seat. I could have changed everyone's fate. But magic doesn't work that way. So tonight, as I have written this in here with no one who will read this, I wanted to look back and see this few years from now. May the breeze and the noise of the cicadas drown this feeling of loneliness inside.