At the 50th, He Set.

From where I stood, his cry can still be heard. No matter how far I would go, it just went louder and even more painful. I badly want to stay close to him but it would be heart-wrenching to see him that way. I just wish I could hug him to at least ease his pain but if I do I will just weaken him.

After an hour and a half, he's now calmly resting on his bed while facing the window. He loves viewing the sky and so he requested even from day 1 to move near the window yet he can't have it not until the patient lying there just died a few months ago.

"M-mom." He whispered when he saw me beside his bed.

I waved my hand and tried to show my sweetest smile.

"You're so strong, Kiann." I mouthed at him and send him a flying kiss.

Kiann is so strong. He survives a year of chemotherapy without even complaining to me. He never said he was in pain. He never shows me his cry. He tried to pretend his okay all the time.

He's my only son. Kiann has stage 4 bone cancer. He is just 13 yet life is making him suffer like this. He is supposedly at school and not just lying here. He is supposedly playing on the football field with his team like he was before. He should be enjoying life at a young age and not enduring all this pain. I should be a mother who would send and fetch him to school. I'm supposedly cheering him on his plays and not during his therapy. I'm supposedly cooking his food, changing his clothes, designing his bedrooms, and helping him with his homework. But here I am just watching him and letting the doctors do my job.

"Why y-you h-here?" He almost whispered catching his breath.

"I knew you d-don't expect me here today b-but..." I paused for a while. My voice is breaking and I don't want it. "B-but I came. I'm l-leaving t-hen." I said and turn my back on him.

He doesn't want me here when he's taking his chemo. He doesn't want me to see him so weak. Tears just came strolling down my eyes. It's just a day of not seeing him this closed and I can notice how he lost his weight. He's way thinner and paler than yesterday. His looks alone make me cry this fast. How could this fat, bouncy little boy I raised for years, grow up this weak?

"M-om h-hug m-e."

I was glued to my place as I heard his plea. I cover my mouth so hard that he cannot hear my cry.

I fixed my eyes and look at him as if nothing was wrong with him asking for my hugs. I opened my arms and acted as if I'm hugging him. But no matter how much I tried to stop my tears, they just went down. I can't hide them no more.

It just stabs my heart knowing that we can't both hug each other. It sucks realizing that we can't. It's just a hug?! Why can't life let us be?

I stayed that way for 5 minutes. Standing while hugging myself. I don't care if I look crazy having both my eyes closed. In this room, we all share the same feelings, anyway. The only difference is I'm afraid. Kiann is strong yet his Mom is frightened.

"R-raise the c-urta-iin, M-mom."

I was stunned for a moment. Reluctant about what I'm gonna do. What if he will leave for real?

"M-mom."

"No, Kiann. You better sleep. Just let it close." I'm shaking. I was so confused.

"M-mom."

"Kiann. P-please." I'm beginning to cry as I start pulling the curtains sideways.

"Come closer." He almost lost his words. He can hardly breathe.

He removed his mask and slowly put his hand on top of mine. I tried to stop him because I knew how painful it is for him to get even a very delicate touch. I have seen how his face curls a lot of times. And this is why even when changing clothes or even wiping his face he cries out of pain. Why on earth can changing clothes and eating and drinking can be so hard for a child while others can do them effortlessly?

"M-mom." He uttered while trying to sit up but I stop him already.

"Kiann, you rest. I'm gonna go home-----

"Mom." He mouthed.

I look at him straight into his eyes. I'm longing to touch his face like I was fond to do before. Where are those same chubby cheeks I used to kiss? Where are those bubbly eyes that used to stare at me with love? Where is my Kiann?

"What is it, Kiann?" I asked, not wanting to prolong the pain he was feeling by touching my hand.

"Y-you're b-beautiful, M-mom." He started. I smiled at him so sweetly that I could even melt him with my look. He never changed. He's still a liar. He would keep on telling me how gorgeous I am. "I l-love you."

"I love y-you, too. So fix yourself and let's get out of here. It sucks here, right?" I tried to crack a joke.

I remember my year-ago self telling this to him. That soon we'll be going home and that he'll be alright. But it's been a year for Kiann staying and battling here alone yet he's not getting any better. I'm starting to lose hope but Kiann keeps on providing me reasons to hold on.

"M-mom remember the l-last t-time I ask you, when does the sun look better?" He breaks the silence.

That was a few months ago. I can't remember the date but I'm sure I keep the date on my note. So I just nod my head pretending I completely recall it cause if I won't he'll tease me for growing old.

"I remember exactly what you said. You told me you love sunset better than sunrise. Because for you, sunsets tell us a more beautiful story- a story of hope." I smiled at him and acted as if I have completely recalled my lines.

"Sunsets are better but sunrise is good, too." I tried to sound fair.

"You know, Mom how much I love the skies. I love it when the sun is rising. I love it when the sun is shining so brightly late in the morning. I love it even more when the sun sets. And I love it the most at night -----

"W-wait. Which do you love the most then?" I interrupted catching him in between choices but confused about which to choose.

I heard him sigh.

"I love the clouds, too Mom. It complements the sky. By just looking at the bright sky makes me feel like I'm flying free while hopping from time to time on the fluffy clouds beneath it. Remember, when I asked you if we could jump over the clouds?"

I started laughing. Just the thought of it makes me cry laughing. He's right. That was long ago, though. I even shouted at him that moment, 'cause I'm busy with my paperwork and here he comes asking if we could spend the day jumping on the clouds. He cried so hard until the night back then. And that's when he promised he'll gonna lay on the clouds someday.

"Are you gonna ask me again-------

"N-ot a-nymore, Mom. In the meantime, I would try it first. I'll make sure you won't fall when it's your turn to jump over it. I want you to allow me to explore it alone and just let yourself enjoy the clouds from here." I looked at him and send him a flying kiss which he catch in time.

"C-can w-we j-ust explore the c-c-loud together? I w-on't see y-you cl-learly f-rom here." My voice is shaking. I'm getting a hint of where this talk is heading. And I'm starting to hate it.

"W-when the m-moment c-comes t-that...t-that I-i will b-be flying a-away u-p t-he c-clouds, p-prom-mise me y-you w-won't cry a-and beg me to c-come b-back. Be-c-cause I w-on't be a-ble to h-hear y-you an-nymore." Tears came rolling down his eyes and mine started to fall also.

"T-hat's why you should b-bring me with you, right? You ca-------

"J-ust h-hug me t-tight- as tight as you badly wanted to hug me right at this moment but you can't------

"Kiannn! What's this?!" I started panicking. It's not funny anymore. It's getting too serious. "J-just s-sleep, K-kiann----------

"I w-will, M-mom. B-but I can't p-romise I will w-ake up to see the s-s-unrise." And he burst into tears.

"N-no, Kiann. You'll surely will. M-mom's gonna pay the d-doctor and they'll gonna m-make you f-eel better again! J-just d-don't l-leave, M-mom t-his early."

"I'm t-tired, M-mom a-nd y-you, as well. T-today is t-the 50th s-sunsets I promised to w-witness with you, M-mom--------

"N-NOO. Y-you're w-wrong. Y-you j-just lost c-count of the d-days. It r-rained l-last w-week r-right? Y-ou owe me a w-week." I demanded while showing him my notes on the weather every single day that passed. I even pray for rain just not to be able to see sunsets. Our whole family down to the farthest branch of the family tree are praying for rain because I was afraid he'll gonna take that so seriously.

He looked at his wall which made me turn my head as well and there I found lines drawn repeatedly. After counting it, I realized it was 50. He won't lose count for real.

"I k-know you w-would ask for m-more but M-mom, some other kids in this room are wanting to witness how the sun sets too. I b-better l-let t-hem enj-joy the v-view I h-have en-joyed f-for a l-long time. I m-must p-play fa-i-ir, shouldn't I?"

I can't hear him no more. I was too occupied with the thoughts of losing him. I wasn't ready for this. I still want him here.

"W-why s-sunset, K-kian?" With a heavy heart, I continued.

"I kn-now y-you would b-be sad. Yo-u'll c-cry a-nd only the dusk l-ight can h-hide y-your t-tears. I k-now y-you would be m-mad at the s-unset b-but i-t would also t-tell y-ou a b-eautiful e-ending of my s-story- a story I chose to e-nd with you."

I was left dumbfounded. How can he say this to me?

"Ki-ann, w-why are y-you d-doing this to M-mom?"

That's all I can say before he looked outside the window and there we found the sun at its finest setting the way it sets yesterday. But it's no longer beautiful it has gone scarier.

"I l-love y-you, M-om." I heard him whisper before the siren of his devices covered the whole ward.

Before I could even turn to see him, doctors came r
ushing in and pushing me to the corner. There he is lying unclothe and looking calm compared to before. He must be flying away right now. Up to the clouds where nothing can hurt him.

I gazed at the sunset and from here I see the view as my heart- it was bleeding. After the sun sets for the 50th time, he also set.

"F-ly h-igh, K-iann. M-moms l-loves you s-so much."